Adventuring Party Politics: The Campaign is Getting Ugly

(Possibly originally posted at http://somehedgehog.livejournal.com/245807.html – if anyone does know, please contact me so I can give proper attribution.)
GM: OK, the bugbear attacks you.? What do you do?

OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.

MCCAIN:
OK, seriously.? Why does he have so many henchmen?? I’m a level 72 ranger and he’s only a level 8 paladin.

OBAMA: Well, if you’d bought the Grassroots Organizing and Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that you…

MCCAIN:
Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed to be a high level party.

OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty “Matterhorn, son of Marathon” shtick you keep doing.? Dude, could you be any less original?

MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new kid.

OBAMA: “My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype.? I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one.”

MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.

OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

MCCAIN: Whatever, so’s your mom.

OBAMA: So’s your FACE.

MCCAIN:
So’s your Mom’s face!

HILARY: WTF you guys.? Why am I playing the cleric?

MCCAIN:
Hilary, we’ve been over this.

HILARY:
No, dude.? I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer.? Seriously, I can’t even use a sword.? Fuck this noise.

KUCINICH: IM A BARD

OBAMA: That’s nice.

KUCINICH:
MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD

MCCAIN:
Oh, Jesus.? Here we go.

KUCINICH:
DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN’ DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

HILARY:
C’mon you guys, I’ve been playing this shit since Gygax was in eighth grade.? Why can’t I be the party leader with the magic sword for once?

MCCAIN:
Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.

OBAMA:
Oh dude, BURRRRRNNNN.

HILARY:
SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.

MCCAIN:
Yeah?? Bring it!? I didn’t spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.

HILARY: WHATEVER, you can’t even lift your arms over your head.

RON PAUL:
I brought my Planescape character!

OBAMA: Dude, we’re playing Forgotten Realms.

RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil!? I’m a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!

MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.

RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it!? Guns and abortions and weed for everyone! WHEEE!

PALIN:
Hi folks!? Sorry I’m late!? I brought caribou burgers.

HILARY:
Who the HELL is this?

MCCAIN: It’s cool, she’s with me.

HILARY:
No!? No, it’s not cool!? Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!

MCCAIN:
Now, that is patently untrue.

BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.

MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.

GM: You guys, seriously, if you don’t knock it off with the bickering I’m going to start docking XP.

MCCAIN:
You know what?? Fuck it.? I’m suspending the campaign.

GM:
You can’t do that!? Only I can suspend the campaign!? I didn’t suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I’m not going to suspend it now.

KUCINICH:
YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP

MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don’t even count.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS

BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?

RON PAUL:
Wait.? What happen to tiny Mormon Man?

GM: You find Mitt’s lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the broom closet.

HILARY: Oh, God DAMMIT.

MCAIN: Not ok!? NOT OK!

OBAMA:
What, I didn’t even get a detect evil roll for that one?

HILARY: I TOLD you she was a succubus, but did anyone listen? Oohhhhh no, Hilary’s just jealous of the beauty queen.

RON PAUL: Pretty Lady screw Mitt lifeless.? Ronpaul SMASH!!

MCCAIN:
Would you please go light up a spliff and stay out of this?? The grown ups are talking.

RON PAUL: Why pretty lady suck life out of Mitt and not Ronpaul?? Not fair!

HILARY: I mean, never mind that I’m the one with 17 Wisdom, but does anyone listen to the girl? Noooooo.

RON PAUL: Also Mitt have stupid name.? Who name kid after baseball equipment?

KUCINICH: HEY YOU GUYS CHECK OUT MY HEAD OF VECNA TRICK

HILARY:
This never would have happened when Tim Russert was our GM.

GM:
You know what? Forget it.? Rocks fall, everyone dies.

OBAMA: Screw you guys.? I’m going to go play Bunnies and Burrows at Jon Stewart’s house.

HILARY:
Me too.

MCCAIN:
Me too.

KUCINICH:
GAZEBO!

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